I was so excited to drop in to the Dogpatch Bistro Pub I was practically panting. After working up an appetite playing fetch nearby in Edmonton’s river valley with my owner, this trendy lookin’ establishment seemed like the perfect place to put some pellet food into my belly and get some butt scratches relaxation.

Alright. The jig is up. As you may have guessed, I’m not actually a dog (as much as I do enjoy butt scratches). However, this particular pub caters to pooches, so I was hoping to potentially meet some doggos, puppers, fluffers, floofs, woofers, and maybe even some boofers. Heck, I could probably even annoy some Dogpatch patrons by feeding their pups from under my table. Too bad I forgot to bring my peanut butter. Just kidding.

The front door definitely barks sophistication. Just look at that bulldog. I mean, he’s a tad bit over-dressed for my liking, but that’s only because I know in my heart I’d never be that cool if I were a canine. I’m not saying I dislike this dog or anything. He’s very handsome. All I’m saying is I’m not sure I’d have a seat at his table in the tuxedo-wearing, penny-farthing-bike-riding dog world. And that’s just fine. I look stupid in top hats anyway.

Contrary to the old-timey mascot, the inside of the Dogpatch has a sleek, modern feel. Definitely cool, and definitely clean. It also smells great in here – likely due to the Bread and Butter Bakery located literally right next door in the same building. It was a struggle to stop myself from drooling all over the floor before we got to our table.

As spiffy as the pub’s interior is, we decide to make our way outside to find somewhere to roll over sit. Sadly, there aren’t any dogs here today—but I can easily see why this patio area is a pretty good place for pups. It has a decent amount of open space with dog-friendly wooden deck flooring. Outdoorsy. Summery. Picnic table-y. A great vibe for humans; and a perfect spot for socializing any goodboys (or goodgirls) in your life. I do notice there isn’t really any grass for the inevitable poochy-poo. Strange. You’d think at the very least there’d be a…patch…or something.

The Vegan Crab Cakes were undeniably tasty, if a little over priced. 16 bucks for two fucking crab cakes? Come on. Oh well, at least the presentation was nice. (I wanted to provide a photo, but four bites doesn’t allow much time for documentation).

I should have read the menu more carefully before ordering the hamburger, which was priced at $20.00 before even adding cheese.

At his insistence, our server took away my cutlery before our meals arrived. “It’s all finger food!” he’d cheerfully said, to which I agreed. If only I’d known my burger was about to completely fall apart on my plate. I want to say the fries were “Fido-sized,” but I’ve definitely seen dog dishes a lot bigger than the one served here.

As you can see in this photo, my $22.00 burger consisted of onions, lettuce, tomato, pickles, and cheese —which is also exactly what McDonald’s puts on their burgers. And while Dogpatch’s patty is leagues above anything Ronald McDonald has to offer, I couldn’t help but feel like a bit of a clown when my bill arrived. I guess that’s what I get for playing dead it safe.

I wouldn’t feel right saying that we had a bad experience here. Our server was polite and efficient, and apparently the Vegan Grilled Cheese was delicious. Plus, the patio was pleasant all around (even if we happened to experience it sans pooches). As for the price? Maybe I just don’t get out often enough. I hear there’s this bad thing happening right now where the country’s economizors are being inflated or something. But all that grown-up math stuff bores me. I’d rather post pictures of cartoon dogs on the internet.

Which reminds me, I’ve got more dog shit to post. Not literally, but also literally.

So, would Dogpatch’s washroom get my tail waggin’? Let’s find out.

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If you include the elevator, there are three ways to get to the washrooms at the Dogpatch Bistro Pub. I’m guessing dogs aren’t allowed in this part of the restaurant? At least you’d never guess they were, judging by the floors. Quite clean! Pretty impressive, considering how maddening it must be to mop this many steps during Edmonton’s muddier seasons.

The first stairwell I decide to follow takes me directly where I need to be.

Or maybe not. Wrong door. Alright, no worries—I’m sure the washroom is somewhere nearby here. Aha! Found it. Er, wait a sec…

As much as this may look like a good place to pinch a loaf, it’s still not the door to the washroom. Foiled again! Well, now that I’ve seen Door #1 and #2, I’m hoping I’ll luck out on Door #3 (Even if #3’s are generally a sign of bad luck and generally frowned upon in public).

In truth, the washroom isn’t difficult to find at all. In fact, there’s plenty of snazzy signage to let me know I’m in the right place. One of these signs even looks as if the owners may have re-purposed an actual dog leash! I doubt it, though. (I guess that’d be a weird way to honour your passed-away pup.)

As for the facility itself—it’s a beaut! Clean. Spacious. Free from foul odours. A little bland, but nothing to berate anyone about. Yep, this bathroom seems practically brand new. The only thing I’d say it’s missing is character. I mean, this is the Dogpatch. Couldn’t there be like, some Scooby snacks in here somewhere? I’m sure I’m not the only person who’d love to see some poochy pizzazz.

The Mansfield 410 UHE Cascade® half-stall urinal here is lovely, and low enough to the ground to accommodate Dogpatch patrons at any level of vertical distinction. It’s also a high-efficiency, ultra low water model, using only 0.5 litres per flush—reducing water consumption by as much as 88 percent!

Bathroom Stall Report No. 1:

The floors and toilet bowl are spotless, with a generous amount of space for anyone who needs it. There’s also an ECR “4Kids” horizontal changing station that is in all probability, designed 4Babies. At least I’m pretty sure the only human you’d want up on that thing would be baby-sized.

The toilet paper is stocked to an acceptable level, even though it looks like someone couldn’t quite figure out the dispenser and went nuclear on the damn thing. Really, dude? As far as I can tell, it’s a pretty straightforward design. I’m betting if you spent even just an extra minute of your time, you would have cracked the code. Then again, maybe not.

Bathroom Stall Report No. 2:

Stocked up nicely, with zero hilarious characteristics to report. There are some dirt shavings sprinkled on the floor, but nothing an anthropomorphized broom and dustpan can’t take care of. Well done, Dogpatchers! You deserve a Milkbone or something.

I do happen to notice a minor discrepancy in the pipes directly above the urinal, but it looks like whoever handles the plumbing at the ‘Patch have already got this potential leaking problem all figured out. 👍

And finally, it’s time to soap up in the sink.

Located in a shared area connecting the W’s and the M’s, this beautiful, slender, brick-red wash basin with stylish black faucets and a rustic appearance is hand crafted by a local Edmonton-based company called Phoenix Concrete Works. Yeah, so what? I was bored and creeping Dogpatch’s Instagram. What of it?

I’m so terribly lonely.

Anyway, without getting weird or anything, this is one sexy sink.

Like, I wouldn’t have sex with it or anything. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying hypothetically if I had to have sex with a sink—then this would be the sink I’d choose. Or at least it’d be a solid contender. Only if I had to, of course. Obviously I wouldn’t just go around having sex with sinks for no reason. That’d just be uncalled for. But really, wouldn’t you choose this sink? If you had to, I mean. Yeah, you would. I’ll meet you back here at these sink photos later. Bring lube.

My only complaint about this communal wash-up station is the fact that the two (fabulous) Bobrick B-7120 TrimDry™ hand dryers are only on one side of the sink, immediately next to it. I don’t want to touch icky girls while I’m drying off. They have cooties. And I know they certainly don’t want to touch me. 

That just about covers, well, everything. On my way out, I think I’ll check out the elevator, just to be sure this full crapper cavity search is truly performed to completion. (I’m also feeling a bit too lazy to walk up all those stairs).

On my way back up, I can’t help but notice the floor in here. It’s fantastic! It’s got this faded retro vibe that I bet would make super-cool hipster sweaters. Some local artist or designer or individual much cooler and craftier than myself really oughta cash in on this ultra-slick design before someone else does. They’d better hurry, though. I’m sure there’s more than one Riverdale out there.

Anyway, clearly I’m done here.

I am a little disappointed that I didn’t get to sniff anyone’s butt meet any doggos, but I guess I can’t blame that on the pub. After all, they’re not a fucking kennel. As a matter of fact, the name “Dogpatch” has more to do with Riverdale’s history dating back to the 1800s than it does with actual dogs. Betcha didn’t know that! Yeah, neither did I until now. Oops. Maybe I went overboard on the dog pics. Oh well. Throw me a frickin’ bone here.

In conclusion, I’m generally impressed by my trip to the restroom at Dogpatch. It’s not too common an occurrence to encounter such clean and comfortable conditions in a water closet during a dinner rush. Over time I’ve come to notice that such an accomplishment speaks as much about an establishments clientele as it does about it’s staff. At Dogpatch, everyone seems to be keeping it classy, with or without the top-hats.

Nice work Dogpatch peeps! You definitely got my tail waggin’!

Smell / Cleanliness	4.5/5
Functionality	5/5
Accessibility	5/5
Inventory	4/5
Aesthetics	3/5

Toilet Paper Rating: 4.3/5