I’m not the craftiest person, but I occasionally work on little projects. When I need supplies, Michaels seems to have the largest selection. It has that usual department-store feel, but instead of being stocked with decaying, miserable associates, it’s aisles are filled with cool, colourful stuff:

Fabrics, frames, stickers, sponges, paints, pens, googly eyes and glue. They also sell nifty little watches that stop working after about a month. (I should know; I’ve bought 3 of them).

So what are artistic types treated to when they need a break from shopping and drain some juices of the non-creative kind? I stopped into Michaels to find out.

I’ll start by saying I’m a little disappointed by the signage. Really, Michaels? This is a store where innovative, do-it-yourself individuals congregate to piece together their creations. Couldn’t you at least use something a little more …inventive? This symbol looks like you commissioned the same people who do the crosswalk signs, but at least those stick-men have arms that can bend. Look, I have no problem with “corporate art”, but this dude looks so stiff he couldn’t even wipe his own ass if he wanted to.

First impression inside: This place doesn’t stink, but the floors could probably use a wipe from a mop that isn’t 50 years old and soaking in never-drained slime water.  They do have a pretty brand-new-looking Gojo H-2557 foaming soap dispenser, though! No drips, and no batteries needed. It’s placed conveniently between two very clean sinks. The mirrors also look spotless.

What isn’t convenient is the location of the paper towel dispenser: Right in front of one of the sinks.

Yeah, I realize the restroom here probably doesn’t get that much hand-washing action. After all, these artist-folk make their own soap at home. I’m docking points though, because there’s a lot of empty wall space that could have been utilized. No one wants to wait with dripping hands while some asshole takes his time with the paper towel.

Now here’s something I find interesting. The amount of censorship in the stalls. Apparently Michaels runs a strict, authoritarian regime. You have no right to express yourself here. You have no voice. “After you buy our stuff you can create whatever you want. Just don’t do it here.” 

Speaking of covering things up, these guys have two toilet-seat cover dispensers! Now that’s some genuine assurance. One of them was empty, but the other one had my back(side).

Upon closer examination, I quickly notice why they keep their seat-cover game so strong. The lid of this thing looks like it’s been gnawed. Doing my best to ignore the Jackson Pollack splatter in the bowl, I can see that this bad boy is pretty beat up.

Outside of the stall, we have an air-freshener device of some sort, missing a ..battery? I’m not exactly sure what this thing was supposed to do, but it looks like something you’d see in Star Trek: The Next Generation.

The urinal in this restroom wasn’t really hard to find. I just had to look down. Uh, quite a bit. Not only is this thing tiny, but it’s also so low to the floor that these guys should provide kneepads at the door.

Generally speaking, this place was sanitary, moderately well maintained, and well stocked on all fronts. I wouldn’t recommend using the urinal if you’re on mushrooms, though.

I hope they won’t fault me for giving them a hard time. Their restroom actually wasn’t bad at all. A few anomalies here and there, but nothing awful enough to activate my gag-reflex. Yes, even with the toilet seat chew-toy. 

Michaels restroom is definitely a decent place to drop a douce, provided you cover up and keep your creative urges at bay. Not bad, guys!

Toilet Paper Rating: 3/5