For those of you who have been following this blog, you may have noticed an inconsistency in how often I post content, including my most recent stretch of time without a review.

If you are one of those people, I advise you to seek professional help as soon as possible.

Alas, my pause in posting about places to piss in public was not without purpose! I was “fortunate” enough to visit British Columbia’s mainland last month, and rest assured – my toilet seat scorn had plenty of opportunity to shine. 

I made a stop at Eleni’s in Mission to rest and replenish my weary, travel-worn heart with a nourishing meal. Located in what seems to be the heart of redundant construction work and 20$ tongue-jobs, Eleni’s is a tidy little gem of a restaurant that specializes in Greek cuisine. I figured, what better menu item to order than the chicken strips with a side of fries? 

The waitress, who I assume hadn’t encountered a polite customer since the Smash Mouth years, seemed suspicious of my foreign tongue.

Words like “please” and “thank you” seemed to be completely alien to her. Being a resident of Vancouver Island, I chalked it up to being nothing more than a language barrier.

It also might have been because of my out-loud attempts at pronouncing Eleni’s that went on for almost 10 minutes.  “El-AIN-ees? Uh-LEN-eez? EL-uh-knees?” She didn’t bother correcting me. 

As far as food and service goes, I was pretty satisfied. Not bad! The coffee was pretty good, too. Now here’s what I thought of their lavatory.

When the time comes to do some stall sleuthing, the hostess directs toward a staircase near the entrance. I always feel weird about walking down more than one flight of stairs to a hidden away basement restroom.

Somehow it feels like I shouldn’t be in this part of the building – As if I might open the wrong door and find someone naked tied to a lawn chair with a ball gag in their mouth.

I do, however, award points for keeping the facility in its own territory: Away from my table and out of earshot. Someone would need to have quite the aggressive bowels for me to hear them while I was enjoying my meal. Thankfully at Eleni’s, one clearly does not have to worry about such an auditory intrusion.

There’s nothing immediately offensive about the odour of this place. In a worst case scenario, I could spend some time in this room. I mean, I wouldn’t do my taxes here or anything, but you get the idea. It’s a in interesting combination of Glade Plugins and superglue scent. Not that I’m familiar with how glue smells smells smells smells…

Their 38 ¼” CRANE sloping  front stall washout urinal is a little close to the sink, and doesn’t have much “peeping tom protection.” The flush valve is also busted, which is fine because there’s no way I could reach my foot that high to flush it anyway.

Still, this limp lever is a little inconvenient.

Aside from this minor hardware malfunction, the cake is as fresh as any loving grandmother’s homemade, baked delights. With more piss flavour.

As I check out this recently painted stall, I can see that the lock doesn’t work. The little steel knob doesn’t quite make it far enough to create that sealed, holy sanctum necessary for serene throne sitting. Unacceptable. Kind of makes me wonder why they put the extra effort in to paint around it.

There’s also some stall graffiti, etched by none other than Mission’s very own acclaimed artist “Pooch.” Unfortunately for Pooch, Eleni’s clearly didn’t share his creative vision. Poor little Poochy got pooch’d.

Either way, I feel like they could have found a better shade to cover it up with. I get that the stalls are brown, but this just reeks of laziness (and I’m thankful that’s all it reeks of).

The toilet is pretty clean, and it’s paper is plentiful. The only thing I don’t really like is that it has one of those “button style” flush switches. I’m not sticking my fingers into that filthy little half moon of microbial mysteries.

In regard to my earlier comment on the scent, it looks like I was wrong about the superglue. They have a CINTAS Sanis Automatic Wall Air Freshener Dispenser (Model 32-1045CIN). This exhausted looking little guy appears to have coughed up a few bad batches.

Unless you want some stall-privacy while pinching a loaf, you shouldn’t encounter too many issues here. Plus, it shouldn’t be too hard for anyone to notice that the can is occupado. Overall, I’m not unimpressed. For a cute little restaurant with an unassuming vibe and efficient service, I’d say Eleni’s does a decent job of making this underground bomb-shelter a pretty good bathroom.

They lose points for functionality, but they make up for it in heart.

Toilet Paper Rating: 3/5