Mission Safeway.

Safeway-Logo (1)The first time I ever stole anything was at a Safeway. Well, I almost stole something.

I couldn’t have been any older than 5, and had never seen a bulk section. So this is where all the candy comes from! When my mom wasn’t looking, I pocketed one of those little gooey caramel square things. I loved those things.

They’re caramels, you gross fuck.

By the time we got to the checkout aisle, I remember having this uncomfortable burning sensation in my head that I never felt before. It turns out it was my conscience, but I’ve since rid myself of that inconvenient malady.

I put that hot little crap candy onto a magazine rack and never told anyone. Years later, I actually applied to work at that very Safeway and didn’t get the job. I always thought that some divine justice intervened, even though I didn’t steal anything.

It may have also been because I was hungover and smelled like bong water. Who knows? I don’t have the answers to the universe’s mysteries.

The back alley is also great for Honeymoonz

Anyway, I’ve never been much of a Safeway shopper, but I needed to buy some supplies so I stopped in to check the place out.

On my way over, I discovered a wonderful little venue where I now plan to get married. 

As for the Grocery Store itself, it was practically a ghost town in there. Even the people who were walking around seemed lost, and I’m not exactly sure they were from the “land of the living.” Apparently this Safeway (and 9 others) are being closed. Yay market economy! Yay parent companies! Yay shitty replacement discount stores!

Without knowing any of this, I entered with zero expectations. Here’s my restroom review of the soon-to-be closed Safeway in Mission, BC. 

I guess they must have a shoplifting problem here. If it wasn’t already apparent from the 30 pound lipstick-wearing skeleton asking me for change in the parking lot, the restroom door sure gives me another clue. 34556310_1013524745483018_1856998551456841728_n

Entering this place is kind of like going on a date with someone you met online. His picture looks decent, he’s literate, and he seems to have a handle on things. Then he shows up like this:

Wait ’til you see his knickerboxers.

I’m not going to judge Safeway for their retro-restroom design. But it is fascinating to imagine the endless scores of people using this bathroom over the years, generation after generation of bowel movements and bad habits.  It almost brings a sentimental tear to my eye.

34706066_1013524782149681_2977033276729851904_n (1)
“Strobe light effect” will cost you extra.

This place hasn’t been touched up in a while, with the exception of the light switch, which looks like it’s been fingered a fair share. This switch has been pimped out so many times I actually advise pissing in the dark if it’s not already on.

You missed.

Speaking of pissing in the dark, it looks like someone was way ahead of me. Not entirely unusual, except for the fact that the person who left the room before me was definitely a woman. I guess she was just doing rails off the sink freshening up.

All things considered, the toilet is in good condition. I’m as surprised as you are. The sink also looks pretty clean (and dry), which probably has to do something with my previously mentioned sink comment.

34602626_1013524805483012_7602256203145543680_n (1)
You missed again.
Hmm. Clean. Very clean.

The garbage can is of the tall, trusty, steel, swivel lid variety. The kind that will deafen you with its rusty screech whenever the lid is moved. It isn’t stuffed, though, and is situated in a practical location.

The next thing that’s pretty obvious is the “Weenus” marked on the wall. I  guess this person is quite fond of that particular body part.

Ask him about The Wagina Monologues

I don’t know—of all the body parts to choose from, the weenus probably doesn’t show up at the top of my list to use as an alias. Interesting choice.

It’s like calling yourself frenum, or thorax. Actually, Thorax still sounds a lot cooler than Weenus.

don’t want no scrubs

The last thing I’ll point out is the toilet scrubber. I really don’t have anything to say about this crusty, brave little brush, except that for some reason I had an immediate urge to brush and floss my teeth after I examined it. No idea why.

Considering this store is soon to be closed, the staff at Safeway have mostly kept on top of things. Well-stocked and suitable for number 2’s, it looks like they are taking their public-privy pride to the grave with them.

It’s safe to say I won’t be returning, but I wish all you Safeway Sentinels the best of luck with your future endeavours! 

Toilet Paper Rating: 3/5

TPR 3:5

Author: Stall Master

Just a guy talking about toilets.

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